WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific