When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
You Might Also Like
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Woke up against my better judgement again
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.