Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
This kid is a star!
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions