in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
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You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store