Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
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No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.