The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
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When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.