It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
This meal prepping shit easy
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves