50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
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[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Ovenable?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
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