[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
You Might Also Like
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
How dude HOW?!
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.