*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up