Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.