You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Does this dress make me look cat?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
i baked you a cake
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.