We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
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My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks