βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If thereβs a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: Iβm by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously Iβm rattled.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. itβll be cute.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Donβt you hate it when youβve been working out for 2 hours and realize itβs only been 15 minutes?
Thereβs only one good girl here!
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldnβt oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said hereβs some noise
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I do believe Iβm an Empath. I can always sense when someone Iβm attacking is in a bad mood.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommyβs fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…