Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”