My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
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Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Awesome parenting 😂
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.