[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
You Might Also Like
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.