Not today, today.
Not today.
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“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like