Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
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Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I think about this a lot
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I don’t know what to do
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.