[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I need to get some bricks…
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.