And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I’m sorry…what?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
“No way.” -Jose
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that