Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
This kid is going places
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…