It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face