The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.