I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
goldfish mafia
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.