[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
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Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS