Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
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My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Sunday
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.