Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
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Green is just blue that someone peed in
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.