Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”