“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
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My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
True
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
what it’s like dating me:
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.