me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
my favorite genre of twitter
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.