[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
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Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.