In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
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I don’t share cheese on the first date.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Europe. Made in Germany.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
britain’s three elite institutions
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.