Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
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What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds