Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.