A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
saving face 👀