What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?