Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
is this meant to deter me
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.