Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Hot Hot Hot
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war