This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
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Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
i dont have time for this
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone