I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
saw this in a dream
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.