Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
crochet youtube is brutal
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
79.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.