I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious