By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
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People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Weirdos gonna weird.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy