Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
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My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE