Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
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Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Liquor Store Parking
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.