my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Remember folks 😂
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: