Stephen King ruined corn children for me
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us