her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
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wtf management?!
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I…do not understand how electricity works.