Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food